Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
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[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Something Saturday.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
no!! no!!!!!!
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze