me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
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Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you