Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.