This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I’m not lazy
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Meow
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”