#NoRestForTheWicked
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[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table