3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
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I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
You are what you delete.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.