Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
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I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes