[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
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Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
i wish we could shoplift online
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?