I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
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I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
$3 #books
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
There is no try. There is only give up.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…