*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
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If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.