I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
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Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.