Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
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Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Free him
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
My favorite type of men is ramen.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision