Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
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Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Chicago sounds lovely.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.