Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
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[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
one last job
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈