Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
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My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good