[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
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My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
first you must answer his riddles
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
life finds a way
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
This week’s mood.