burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
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welp
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth