My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
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My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Saw online –