If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
If snakes were wide
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
“I’m helping” 😅
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Genius idea!!
The 4 stages of a family vacation
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
HR said no more nunchucks.
Are we there yet?…
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.