Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
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they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME