I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
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Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??