Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
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People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?