good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
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All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
My dad teaching me to drive
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.