masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
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I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
When can I start eating bats again.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids