Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
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amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.