I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
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“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
All. The. Damn. Time.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.