I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
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HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me