[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
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me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late