i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
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One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
listen closely
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
This is my bus stop.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?