It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
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I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.