you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
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If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal