🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
You Might Also Like
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…