Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
You Might Also Like
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Cool shirt 🙂
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.