I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
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I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
January has been Januweary
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
LOL
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]