my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
You Might Also Like
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.