Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
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1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.