I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
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co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
This could be us… but you playing
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping