Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat