Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
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[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly