*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
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*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams