when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
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I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.