You Might Also Like
hmm conte-me mais
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
And now we wait
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
A leaf blower, but for people.