“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
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If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
multitasking lunch
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Welcome
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me