Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
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That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
When you “pspspsp” too hard
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”