Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
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reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
💻🤡
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.