If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
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Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
This squirrel eats better than I do
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.