Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
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“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine