[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
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[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?