“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
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If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.