For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
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Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.